Shout out to grocery store clerks and our lovely Door Dashers
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.