Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is.
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Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!