Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.