Show me the feet.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Why can’t snowmen have carrot cake?
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer