Show me the lie.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."