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A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.