Show some love to monitor lizards plz
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”