Showed up in a worksheet I had to do
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
…
My life…
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.