Shower thought: When we call / “Slash”, then we should also call * “Hendrix”
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
Why did the sperm go to class?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
What’s the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit