Sigh
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Itโs his altar ego.
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
Me: โSquirting isnโt real, right? Itโs just urine, right?โ
Interviewer: โI meant any questions about the job.โ
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
So thereโs this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
Itโs pretty nuts.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a womanโs body.
Then I was born.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Little Tommy canโt believe his luck. โMommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!โ Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while youโre a head.
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says โmum Iโve just peed out a bulletโ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says โmum youโll never guess whatโ which she replies with โlet me guess you peed out a bulletโ which he replies with โno, I was masturbating and I shot the dogโ.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now Iโve just got beer…
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think itโs nuts.
(At the vet) โDoctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?โ
Vet: I have no idea. Itโs toucan fusing.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphinsโฆ
โฆbecause they've been breaking camels' backs for years.