Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Is this some sort of braces joke that I’m too zen to understand?
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
He finally said something factual
y favorite new mug come in yesterday
HA HA SEE? SO FUNNY
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
Programmers when lockdown ends
Diane, quick, they’re behind you!
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
Sherlock Bonespurs cracks another case
Patriotism Vs. Nationalism, apparently we need the reminder.
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
[NSFW] religious boomer humor
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I got like 10 memes on how scratch sucks
Safety glasses make everything ok
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Go white boy go
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
I am dead inside
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
How to go to class without going to class
What is sleep?
Found this one in the wild
World ending AI.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
Finally they On the same side
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Also why football man don’t stand up
Pretty much the textbook definition of cliche “boomer humor”
Wet girls overflow
Phones bad 😂
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
Debugging at its finest
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
My older cousin posted it, his Facebook is a goldmine
Product managers be like…
You know who you are….
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
Makes my IDEs lag
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
It was a simpler time!
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
Tis the season
… slightly above “The Astronomical”