I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
People will be lined up for blocks.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
A nickeless cage.
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
They’re just so remarkable…
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My dad said they’re wiped out
No text found
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
A layer lair.
Sorry, wrong sub
I said that makes two of us.
it was a counter-attack.
The second time let me down.
I am lack toes intolerant.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit