Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
It was about a weak back
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
Now he has toadal recall.
Times new ramen!
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Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Nevermind it's tearable.
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
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Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
I have a father figure
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
It left a ro-dent
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.