Signs of impeachment.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.