Silent Generation Humor?
It’s funny because they’re both burning in Hell
We need them back
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
But why it seems legit to me
I know tiktok bad but holy shit
Assembly is a great way to turn to alcoholism
Theres something about juxtaposition…
Credible terror threat
Trump suffered the greatest defeat in the history of the world.
Ouch from yelp
Coming on a little strong there, Windows 10 lock screen
🤦♀️How To Pretend You Are An Awesome UX Designer😱 | funny (Sketch)
I seriously learnt nothing in school
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
We’re living in some weird dystopia right now
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
This still haunts my soul.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
Got to love stock photos and wife hate
Is it too late for Christmas?
Senior Catch-22 Engineer
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
Found one in the wild! Internet streaming bad
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
When Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did another mic drop …
Recursion is simple!
Add Data Scientist to resume
How you answer “??!!” ?
yknow its true
This was on my family group chat
Poor Patrick :(
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
“I’m too old for this shit”
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living…
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
And a Nissan plant on Mississippi island too.
Things we do to see that green light
The title says it all.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
I never say curse words
College Tech Support be like
Water Meme related to Science.
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
Florida man says it’s business as usual.
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
Drew this based on a boomer comic, I’m totally naked for 2020!