Silent Generation Humor?
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
French Woman
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
I won’t vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way