Silver mirror
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…Iβm one of them.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones sheβs been giving me lately.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
Whatβs the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to Β£100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says βI think Iβm a typoβ
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.