SimCountry
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
Three married men are complaining about their wives.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back for seconds
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
