Simple typo.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel