I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
A garbage truck
A dangerous, digital age unspoken disease! Watch NOW!
Who am I to diss a brie?
all I did was take a day off
It really makes my day.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Seriously, how low can you go?!
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
It’s open Mike night!
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Its a boring job
It will be a sadder day.
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
A lot of conditioning
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Alien Vs Predator
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
But then it grew on me
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."