Simpledorito…
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
Why did Disney make frozen 2?
Because they couldn't let it go
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"