Simply Terrible
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
