Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy. "Me too," says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…