single boomers are MURDERS
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out