SIR!!! 😤😤😤
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
