SIR!!! š¤š¤š¤

Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find theyāve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. āAmazingā says John āBest meal everā says Phil āI wish my wife could cook like thisā says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that theyāre gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. āI didnāt think you could top last night but you haveā says John āHave you been taking classes because this is phenomenalā says Phil āKeep cooking like this and Iāll marry youā says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. Johnās teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, āMy god, this is SHIT!ā He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says ābut beautifully cooked.ā
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: ā¢They're over three years old ā¢They're retarded.
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
ā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«SOAPā«
I just sang about eight bars.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, āFive beers please.ā
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks

If youāre complaining about protesting, that right also came from protesting
https://ift.tt/2A4ooNf
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe thatās why everyone is so scared of clowns.
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
My sonās math teacher called him average…
I just think heās mean.

You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Everyday I tell the wife Iām gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
Itās a running joke I have
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, āMommy Mommy, if Iām a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?ā āWeāll see!ā, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling āMommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!ā āThatās amazing Darling!ā, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. āMommy Mommy, if Iām a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?ā āWeāll see!ā, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling āMommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!ā āThatās amazing Darling!ā, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. āMommy Mommy, if Iām a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?ā āWeāll see!ā, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling āMommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!ā āThatās amazing Darling!ā, Mom replies. Little Tommy canāt believe his luck. āMommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!ā Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while youāre a head.
I donāt mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driverās seat.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasnāt a loan anymore.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says āmum Iāve just peed out a bulletā so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says āmum youāll never guess whatā which she replies with ālet me guess you peed out a bulletā which he replies with āno, I was masturbating and I shot the dogā.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much itās going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, āYou lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!ā The lawyer is incensed and says, āHow dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure Iām under!ā The cop says, āWell, youāre so concerned about your beamer, you didnāt notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.ā The lawyer looks down and screams āFuck! My rolex!ā
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.