Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I hate two things
math
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.