Skipper too
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
Relatable.
Relatable.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman