skyrim 100
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."