Skyrim meme funny
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
![[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Where are average things made?
The satisfactory.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
