Slaps Trump
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
