Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.