Slippery slope
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’” It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!” But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.