Slippery slope
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
