But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I can always count on them.
Because Ken always came in a different box.
This post says otherwise
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
It's not stroganoff
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
with a sea-saw
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
He charged one and let the other one off.
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
Because you can't C in the dark.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
I'm not buying it
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
He was a little chili.
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
As long as you're poor
But when I got home, all the signs were there
So he isn’t spotted
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Because with great power comes great response ability.
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta