Small business can be quite rough caw caw
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Donβt worry, no one got hurt.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, itβs fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight
βThis is exciting!β the guy thought. βIβve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Iβll be able to see him in person.β Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope! In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. "This is fantastic!β the gentleman mused. βIβm really good at crosswords!β It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, heβd ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, βExcuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in βuntβ?β The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldnβt breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, βI believe, Your Holiness, that youβre looking for the word, 'auntβ.β βOf course!β the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. βYou wouldnβt happen to have an eraser, would you?β
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
βI never knew my real ladder.β
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
Thereβs always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, βdoes anyone know CPR?β I yelled out, βHell, I know the whole alphabet!β Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
So thereβs this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
Itβs pretty nuts.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20β¬ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20β¬. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20β¬? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100β¬." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20β¬". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 β¬ because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says βcould you pass the honey, honey?β The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says βcould you pass the sugar, sugar?β The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says βCould you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?β
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
If youβre complaining about protesting, that right also came from protesting
https://ift.tt/2A4ooNf
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.