Smartphone comparisons.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired…
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
I’ve opened a barber shop for rabbits.
We only do hare cuts.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison