Smoke tests in the wild
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
French people don’t masturbate
They jacques off
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
