Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
I got a phone call from my son’s school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
I was told to post this here
this here
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
Have you heard what Japan have instead of alphabet soup?
Times new ramen
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
