Sneak 100
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Do I often put an orange slice in my beer?
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
No text found
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
![*[happy GPU noises]*](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/6znxz2t0hgl41-400x335.jpg)
![[OC] riddled with bugs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/sjs3htmk7ob41-400x446.jpg)
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.