Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
The look on his face was priceless.
But, it’s snot
So we can die in peace.
I won’t rest until I find it.
No text found
…you need to let that mango.
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
Too many plot holes.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
I’m clean now!
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
The cold shoulder.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.