The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he said, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10 inch cock!" She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him. The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly…skilled in certain areas?" He smirks. "What is your name?" Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris." His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops. "Well then…if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door. Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything. The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop. "I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!" He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him." "Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?" The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum." EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the most recent first posting.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
I can't tell you how upset I am!
To speak to the other side!
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
I feel like canoe person
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I just don’t know the order of them
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, youll do anything id like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
Because he could not see that well.
Where’d the Van Gogh?
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone…
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
With a pumpkin patch!