SNEAK 10000
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?