snEAk 1o0!
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
I was a big metal fan back in high school.
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
