Snowden brings the heat
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out