Snowflakes.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.