So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
In my opinion, people should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels