So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”
so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.