So absolutely unnecessary..
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
I arrived for my interview with the league of assassins a bit too early…
I had plenty of time to kill.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"