So awkward I even feel embarrassed
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
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I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
A woman gets into a car accident. She is airlifted to the hospital.
The woman goes into surgery upon arrival and her husband is immediately called to come to the hospital. On arrival the husband is greeted by the surgeon. " You may want to have a seat" the surgeon says. "I have some bad news and some good news" The husband sits down nervously. "What's the bad news?" "Well" the surgeon says "your wife was involved in a car crash and we had to take her in for major surgery. She is alive but we had to take out a part of her brain to keep her alive. Unfortunately. She is unable to walk or talk anymore and will be unable to do anything independently. She will require 24/7 around the clock care, you will need to quit your job and help your wife eat, use the toilet and help feed her" The husband starts crying frantically. "Omg. What's happened to my life? Please please please. Tell me the good news" The surgeon replies "The good news is. I was joking. She's dead"
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one