So brave and controversial
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
Proud dad moment
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.