So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei
i'm so sorry, I tried
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.” Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
For some reason I want Palword to make a lot of profit.
For some reason I want Palword to make a lot of profit.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV