So close yet so far
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I donβt understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, Gβday is just gay with a d rammed into it.
They say sex sells…
Probably because you canβt spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices β that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since itβs free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he canβt just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. βIt surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,β noted the man. βWhy do you do it?β The monk replied, βReligious reasons.β The man then says, βI donβt know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?β βBecause,β the monk replied, βyou would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.β
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
Itβs an extremely rare dish order…
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says β if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.β
βAnythingβ doesnβt include getting stuck in traffic.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores. The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money. The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow. He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jedβs milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow. After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning. Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, βI think I know whatβs wrong now, sir.β βWell what is it?β asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over Davidβs shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said, βThatβs a bull.β
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
Itβs incredible how many people confuse βtoβ and βtooβ.
Itβs amazing two me.