So delicious and tender…
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.