So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
No text found
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
![My highschool’s password security is on point [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/yog9620t8xe41-400x400.png)
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
