So for some reason my Google home responds to ok boomer…
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
